Brainsprain.net

I’m really trying very hard not to turn this into a Diet Blog, but I did some astounding math and wanted to share it with you. By my estimates, it’s taken me a full 17 years to gain the 80.5 lbs I’m now in the process of losing. Now, 1 pound of fat stores a whopping 3500 calories. When, over any period of time, you eat 3500 calories more than you burn, you gain 1 pound. Similarly, when you eat 3500 less calories than you burn over any period, you lose 1 pound. That 80.5 extra pounds represents a 281,750 calories surplus I’m currently burning through. Now, if you divide that by 17 years, that’s an extra 16,674 calories per year, or 45 unneeded calories per day. A single greasy delicious hot wing has around 45 calories in it.

I got where I am over the equivalent of ONE EXTRA HOT WING PER DAY FOR 17 YEARS. You’ve been warned.

I’ve decided that I’m at the beginning of act three of a frat house movie with my diet.

Act I: Wild and Wacky Fraternity Antics

Act II: Uptight Dean threatens Wacky Frat to SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT!

So here it is, Act III, Scene 1…

Bacon: Dude, Dean Chad is really serious this time! I think he’s gonna make us really lose weight!

Stomach: Come on! It’s Chadsy! We’ve been here before with him! All we gotta do is lay low for a couple of weeks, drop a couple of pounds, and then he’ll get distracted and we’re back on the gravy train.

Sausage: We’ve already dropped ten pounds. That’s our WHOLE STASH! If he keeps up at this rate, we’re going to really have to lose the weight.

Stomach: Seriously? Ten pounds? We’re out of spare?

Chili-Cheese Dog: YES! Bacon, Sausage and I haven’t been able to set foot on campus in weeks! And Cheeseburger is so depressed he won’t come out of his room. Don’t talk to me about Ultimate Skillet. (sobs) He was so young!

Stomach: (getting serious) Okay, guys. You’re not out yet. I’ll just… well… lose the weight, I guess. You guys will just have to leave for a while until we can get it together. Then, maybe you can come back.

Bacon: (hopefully) Permanently? You’ll dump the Chicken and Tuna twins?

Stomach: I don’t know, Pig-Man. I don’t know.

(FADE TO – SPORTS TRAINING MONTAGE)

Since starting The Hacker’s Diet, I’ve been trolling around its creator’s web site. If you have a spare five minutes, read this short story. Damned if he’s not a really talented bazillionaire…